I was his priority. He loved me more than the others. I could clearly feel it. He rarely said no to all that I asked for. I know he missed me as much as I did. I read his letters more than a hundred times and fell asleep on them. I never actually cared when amma or anybody in the house laughed at me when I took out my atlas from my bag, to find Oman, Muscat, and then held it close to my face and shouted out into it, ”Pappa I miss you so much!”.
Waiting for the day when he comes to be with us for a month or two would be one of the unforgettable days for me. I was sure he would have bought me all that I had listed in my letters to him, but more than that I craved to be on his lap and hug him till he confessed how badly he missed us too. I can never forget his shirt that smelled foreign and of course those filter cigarettes he smoked (Marlboro or something). I can never forget the design of those packets, the boxes he never missed to include in his luggage.
I was still very young when I had to witness that unfortunate day, when he came packed inside a box, in an ambulance. The mob that surrounded our house, maybe to see who all cried and how. I still wonder how God could snatch away a child’s happiness in just a flick of a second. A major portion of me was lost. My world crumbled. All that remained of him were some of the clothes he had left behind. Though a kid I remember I promised I would live his dream and make the best choices for us. I cried. I fell into total silence.
In my haste to survive, I thought I was doing the best for me… But later did I realise I could have waited, could have thought twice, before diving into the decisions I made. But all I could do was reassure myself that this was what was meant to be. I braved to be a wonderful mum for my kids, the best advisor they could ever have.
A decade or so later I met a man I thought I would never be interested in. He shined a different light but made sure it reached me. A true friend who noticed that I had taken life so damn seriously. And then I learnt to smile. He taught me that no one could ever get away from this life, alive; so it was ok to laugh our hearts out, it was ok to be silly, to live simple, and yet talk nonsense and to just be. And so I laughed. I lived. I started paying attention. I noticed the wonderful father he was to his little one and instantly saw my dad in him. The same soul in a different body.
And then it was time again for God to have his sudden urge to twist the tales of his people down there. His highness who sometimes just loves to watch His plays on earth by simply tearing down his own script into pieces. It hit me real hard when I heard that he was no more. A good friend who left us just like that, creating a big void in us. The man who kept his people happy just by breathing out the positivity he reflected. So history repeated in itself. All the inner strength I had gathered, I saw it crumbling again. I cried. I fell into total silence.
Slowly I realised I wasn’t scared of the dark. Nothing shook me from watching eerie movies. Thinking of death and dying, frightened me no more. I kept my windows wide open at night to watch the trees in total darkness. It was blank! I tried to figure out wherever a soul could hide from us mortals. But no accurate answers to any of them.
I’m not scared of the dark, where I quietly sit to light up the Marlboro he loved. I have to finish it up before the kids wake up and search for me. I inhale the warmth into my lungs trying to find his presence and slowly blow it out watching the shape the smoke takes, and I hallucinate to see his face on it smiling down at me, and I know exactly what he’s saying. ”You better not make this a habit girl !”
I pray that you both have fun wherever you are. I will surely meet you guys when it’s time for me to. Until then I have to gather myself and move on. I miss you both. Immensely!
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