World Mental Health Day: Break-ups should not lead to breakdowns?

 All human beings experience hardships and challenges irrespective of their age, gender, religion, marital status and financial background. Confrontations and issues are part of our life. Sometimes we had arguments with loved ones that hurt the feelings of both parties and may ends with breakups. Sometimes we experience financial crisis or loss, sometimes death of a dear one and the list never ends. In all these situations we go through different types of negative emotions or we can say that the person is under stress. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale also known as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), developed by the psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, shows that the second and third stressful situation in a person life is divorce and marital separation. Needless to say the hardest time we have in life is when we think we have lost a relationship whether it is a friend, a loved one, a romantic relationship, or our spouse. We feel burst out. A break up or divorce can be one of the most stressful and emotional experience in life. It turns our life upside down with disappointment and grief.

How many of you found yourself don’t want to get out of bed, losing the interest in everything which interrupted your home, routine and responsibilities, your relationships with family and friends, and even your identity. The only thing you have done in such situation is stuck in your thoughts and wiping the tears from your face. Why you are in such a state? Because you are aware that you won’t see a person you had a lot of interactions with much anymore.

Yes, break-ups are painful whether it may be a short or long duration relationship. It can cause physical and mental pain. In some, people breaking up feel severe emotional pain as ending a relationship is like losing an investment. Relationships involve priceless investments of emotions, attention and time.  Hence losing a partner can make us feel that everything invested into the relationship was wasted.

Break up are common in nowadays and usually happens because of the following reasons

  • Ego of the person ruins a relationship. After a fight, one does not take the initiative to say sorry and expecting the other person to resolve the issue.
  • Doubt begins in one or both partners about another relationship
  • Unwanted interference from family members, relatives and friends begins to spoil a relationship.
  • Disagreement of family members to marry a girl or boy due to differences in caste social status, financial status etc.
  • Holding the partner to unrealistic standards by always blaming or criticizing.
  • Lack of physical and emotional intimacy among each other
  • Cheating or Engaging in another relationship
  • Treating your partner as inferior within their first year of marriage were more likely to divorce
  • Aggressive nature of the partner. The more you hurt the people you love,the more you risk pushing them away.
  • Refuse to accept any blame by painting the other partner entirely as the victim.
  • Don’t forgive or forget attitude spoil the relationship as we do not resolve the issues that are causing your indignation and anger immediately.
  • Gratitude not expressing among partners will down the relationship. Being a value to a significant other is essential
  • Holding on past create problems in relationships. If you want your current relationship to last, leave the past and let go the things that are holding you back
  • Lack of trust & disrespect among partners makes the relationship unpleasant.

Researches have shown that when someone goes through a breakup, they experience a drop in the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin that are associated with the feelings of happiness. MRI studies (read: studies using brain scanners that film activity in the brain) show that the same parts of the brain that are activated in physical pain are activated in emotional pain following breakup. This pain and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup is difficult and take time.

In order to avoid the extra grief or disappointment after breakup a person should do a self-check before going for a breakup. Ask some questions yourself:

  1. What is the contribution or support of the other person in my life and Vice versa? (whether it is physical, emotional, psychological, financial or social support)
  2. If you and your partner are getting / not getting some support, communicate it and figure out whether they are serious or not.
  3. If they are serious you can change the situation if your partner is also willing to accept and work together
  4. If your partner is not listening or not ready for a compromise, let us give their space.

If you do your part genuinely to avoid a break up but unfortunately it happens then you experience variety of competing emotions. You might be feeling like shock, sadness, anger, fear, depression and more. When a relationship ends, healing can take time. We should wait patiently and accept what has happened. Think and find solutions how to handle the current situation instead of wasting time about what has happened.

Here are some tips

  1. Accept that story of your relationship is over. Stop that line of thinking and don’t play the victim.
  2. Avoid Self judgment and recognize that mistakes, failures, inadequacies and imperfection are part of the human experience.
  3. Take a decision to love and care yourself more. Treat yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would show to a good friend.
  4. Write down or tell your emotions to a close friend honestly including all the things you are grateful for and the things you are disappointed about your Ex
  5. Plan to go at least 30 days without contacting or checking the social media of your Ex. These days will become 60, then 90 and after that you will be feeling much better and get additional clarity.
  6. Embrace your “Me” time and go for a mini vacation. Spend more time for your hobbies, family and friends. If you are career-oriented, focus more on that and make yourself busy.